Action as Surrender

I have a tattoo on my arm saying “time is limited”. I have seen friends’ projects failing because they waited too long. I got many reminders from life during the years about this message. Yet I have never understood it fully up until the tantra immersion a few weeks ago. More on that another time, but I believe this idea is worth a separate post.

Take this blog as an example. Before the retreat in Cologne, I wanted the launch to be flawless. Have a few posts already written, so there is less pressure to write when it's live. Have the perfect design ready. I felt anxious, what am I going to write about? Yeah, I have ideas, but will they keep flowing?

The result of all of this was being stuck. I was too afraid to go live, because that would mean I might fail. I wanted to control the outcome in order to shield myself from failing.

The reality? By waiting for the “right moment”, I was not making any progress. In my mind, the project was already growing. Big, successful, resonant. But it only existed in imagination. There, everything is possible, and the risk of failure is zero.

Doing a reality check, in this case posting, threatens the persona I am in my head. I want to be seen as a person who articulates well, people resonate with my writing, and I might even make income out of it.

Publishing something, and coming back to Earth is risky. It posed a threat. What if the author in my head dies? That would be unfortunate. He is such an awesome guy, right?

It is a bit like standing at the bottom of the mountain, dreaming of the summit, but not moving. Because the path is long and exhausting. And maybe, just maybe, I won't make it.

Thanks to some insights at the retreat, I decided to take the first step. I quickly wrote a post on the train back to Switzerland, and hit publish a few days later. No drafts ready to go live after, the website being basic, and I had no idea what the next posts will be about.

But as soon as I took the first step, an energy started to come alive, one that was not there before. Suddenly ideas started flowing. I could focus on writing, and I kept showing up. The writer's block still visited, but did not overstay. I stopped focusing on the summit, and started enjoying the path ahead.

I might never meet the person I had in my mind, but that should not be the goal. I want to keep climbing, go on side-quests along the way, and most importantly, enjoy the process.

How did tantra help me to embody this lesson? We talked a lot about presence, and observing what feelings arise in us in any given moment. I’ve noticed that I have a tendency towards waiting with taking action. I want to be able to control the outcome, in a way that is comfortable for me. I forget to stay with the present moment. I put things off for another time, when circumstances will be more suitable to my liking. But that time rarely comes.

Suddenly I saw this pattern popping up in so many areas of my life. Love, waiting too much with taking the first step. Work, polishing that feature forever, until there are no bugs. Life, being on standby until a condition is met. That night I walked home emotionally exhausted, I’ve never felt this way.

The next day I decided to break this pattern, and started working with the situation that was in front of me. The outcome was totally different to how I imagined in my head, but equally powerful. Life was flowing, and for the first time I was ready to let go resisting it.

There are things that I read about or hear from friends, but can't grasp until I go through it myself. It is fascinating, sometimes I wish I could learn from other people's mistakes. I guess that's not how life works, and this makes it even more interesting.

What's something you’ve been putting off, but secretly wish to start? Is it opening up to someone? Starting a business? Quitting a job that's slowly killing your soul? Putting on the running shoes, and going outside? Whatever it is, don't blame yourself for feeling stuck. It is human. But I encourage you to take that first step. That's when the energy starts to move. And that, I promise you, is a magical feeling.